the smoke stays for a bit

note: this post was originally from our stillness, a now defunct blogging project.

I allow myself one herbal cigarette per month. I don't even smoke as a habit—I just wanted to see if I could do it. I think it takes more discipline to smoke only one cigarette a month than it takes to smoke none at all. I think the real habit that needs to be cut back is my scrutinizing adherence to self-imposed tests of will.

Tonight, I smoked—an attempt to help ease my nerves before I sleep. I've been experiencing a resurgence of obsessive thoughts about death and misfortune that has been causing me to only be able to fall asleep around 5 a.m. I typically take half a dose of melatonin for this purpose, but it caused me to develop vivid dreams about death and misfortune, which I found to be counterintuitive to its initial purpose.

My hands have been dryer than usual from all the hand washing I've been doing, and all of the likes on my Instagram posts are even numbers. I can't remember the last time I deliberately selected something with odd numbers in it—must've been at least three or five months ago.