mid-twenties

i had my friend sign my will and advance directive a few weeks ago. it wasn't for any particular reason. i just wanted to have them ready in case anything were to suddenly happen and make me unable to speak for myself.

i thought the questions in the forms would only be clinical in nature, but i ended up being asked about things that determine whether i was living a "quality life" or not. i was asked about what i would want to be surrounded by during my last moments and any final wishes i wanted to impart on those who would survive me. what i want to spend my life doing and what things would make life not worth living in their absence.

i've been fixating on how dull my life has been feeling lately. i spent the past eight years or so trying to work towards a life worth living, and now, i'm closer than i ever was before. but it feels stagnant. the means i took to get here are as soul-sucking and normative as any other twentysomething's. i work a corporate day job using my background in art and media to completely drain the life out of creative expression for the sake of... what? brand awareness? KPIs? i live in an apartment owned by people i've never met and by people who likely have never had to work a day in their lives and people who get to raise rent on me by 5% every year.

i don't think i have much else to aim for. besides trying to find a more human way of living than this.

my birthday was about a week ago, and i'm continuing to move into my mid-twenties. i don't feel as nauseous as i used to about getting older, but something definitely still feels unsettling. two of the bands we performed with at our first show broke up, and i'm anxious that the same is going to happen to us. i feel like we've got a really special thing going, but group dynamics have always been difficult to maintain in adulthood. i'm only particularly close with three of the members, and one of them is my girlfriend so i don't even think that counts.

we played our second show at this night market over the weekend and we fucked up a lot, but no one seemed to notice. i hated being there. all the "vendors" were just people who bought out thrift stores just to resell them at 200% the original price. it was like witnessing a tiktok-obsessed mall with extra steps. i saw a tank top for $80. i used that money instead to get an eyebrow piercing from this amazing queer trans asian piercer.

i found the hinge profile of the drummer i met at our first show, and surprisingly they matched with me. they were down to meet up and see where that takes us, but i also feel anxious about that going poorly. i don't think i "look" like what most people want to be attracted to in my age group. i don't exactly feel like dressing up and posturing like i'm too cool to care about things. i'm tired and i'm earnest. it's been a bit since i've been in college, and i'm still not used to having to consciously commit and plan for meeting with strangers. i miss being able to get to know cool people organically just by being in group environments. but i work from home now, so this is what i have to do.

this site has undergone a shit ton of changes since i last made a blog post. i hope it's made your experience here a bit more comfortable. my blog posts are probably going to be more informal as time goes on as i continue to unlearn the over-editing and posturing i'm used to on "professional" platforms. thank you to all the new folks who have followed me. neocities has quickly become my new home, and i'm glad to be sharing this space with you all. stay deer.