nothing ever happens

i haven't been extremely online lately—mostly because my cats get extremely upset when i keep myself in the office for too long. it's been about half a year since i've basically left all social media, and it's been quiet. i also ran out of online distractions to occupy myself with, which led to me finally jailbreaking both my kindle and my 3DS for fun. i just completed pokemon black 2 at the 72-hour mark, and i have yet to look back.

this whole month was spent stalling for more time and waiting for more things to happen. three marketing agencies reached out to me recently to poach me from my current workplace. i'm only interested in hearing back from one of them, but this one is apparently one of the biggest entertainment agencies in hollywood. it's the kind of star-studded work that would accelerate anyone's career, but... that's not what i want. i just want a decent place that pays my bills and is unobtrusive enough for me to only think about work during the hours i'm compensated for. i sold my 15-year-old self's passion for video editing to my career, and i'm at peace with that, so long as it doesn't rob me of anything else. i'm looking for any gig that will give me the agency to claim my life back.

i've had several conversations with my therapist about my obsession with wanting constant change because anything otherwise would feel tantamount to stagnation. i'm constantly in pursuit of being someone slightly different from who i was the month prior, even though my standards for what's considered self-improvement are rather nebulous. i think deep down, i fear mediocrity, and manufacturing novelty through instantly gratifying means is how i make myself feel like i'm changing as a person.

it's strange because i'm a person who prefers routine. i like maintaining several rituals that help me wake up and go to bed, and i'm not looking to implement anything particularly "life-changing" to my lifestyle. but i haven't been able to commit to creative side projects with the fervor and ambition like i used to, and my day-to-day is now just spent passing time. i've been working the same middling job for a year and a half now, and moving to an apartment that's basically next to my hometown really makes it feel like i haven't changed as a person at all. i don't want to keep overloading myself with tokens of professional achievement to stick some fruitless landing like how i did in college, but i don't want to stay like this either. i don't want to revert to some average person in my hometown again.

two of my former classmates who have been each other's first and only relationship since seventh grade announced their engagement in hawaii yesterday. something about that terrifies me.

in may, i will be traveling north to finally receive top surgery. i used to not really care about my chest and for the most part viewed it as something vaguely separate from myself, but having one just eventually became more of a physical hassle in my life than it was worth. my fear of being less conventionally desirable to men had clouded my thoughts for a while, and it took me about three years to finally arrive at this decision. i'm lucky enough to have my girlfriend and close friend going up with me for post-op care, and i'm lucky enough to be able to receive this procedure at all. this is one of the few changes that i know is meant to happen.