a day is a year

cw: family death

my maternal grandmother passed away softly yesterday at 1:47 am. she gave us a lot of time to make peace with it.

her stroke near the end of may left her unable to speak or move the right side of her body, but my family only decided to take her to the ER four days after it happened. i remember seeing her laughing to herself at the absurdity of her condition and at my family's panic while checking into the hospital.

when she was discharged in june, she seemed eager to be back home. she was eating and drinking well, and she was showing signs of recovery from aphasia. the first thing i saw when i visited her was my grandfather diligently using a massage gun to help her regain feeling in her legs. i asked him how he was while my grandmother was in the hospital, and he told me, "a day is a year."

i visited her in the ICU last thursday, after her condition suddenly declined and she had a seizure during a follow up. they had just swapped her from life support to comfort care when i arrived and she was only on a morphine drip. i don't think she was conscious anymore, and it disturbed me to wonder when her last lucid interaction with me was and whether i had used that moment wisely.

on friday, i told my therapist that though i didn't have anything important i needed to tell her, i still regret not having the proper closure of saying goodbye for the last time. she told me that though i can no longer have this moment, i should still go tell her whatever i would've said to her had it happened. "sometimes we tell people things, not for them to hear, but for us to say," she said.

i decided to visit her at 12:30 am that night. i wasn't going to because i was so exhausted, but something in me was telling me that i should see her before i went to sleep. i asked my girlfriend to come with me because something in me was also telling me that i shouldn't go without her.

we sat quietly in the patient room my grandmother was transferred to, sipping on small cups of apple juice that a nurse offered to us. the RN came in to greet us, and kindly offered to answer any questions we had. he patiently explained so much to us about my grandmother's level of comfort and consciousness, something my girlfriend had been extremely anxious about.

apparently, the hearing is the last to go, and though patients nearing the end of life may not be conscious anymore, they often will "wait" to hear their loved ones visiting before finally letting go. if a patient is holding on longer than usual, he'll ask family members if they think there's anyone the patient is waiting to see before moving on. usually after seeing that person, the patient will pass shortly afterwards. i remember finding that to be a comforting spiritual interpretation of things, but not wanting to put faith into it in the case i would be let down.

after thanking her and praying for her, my girlfriend left the room at 1 am to give me some time alone with my grandmother. i told her everything i wanted to say. i thanked her for looking after my mother, my uncle, my sister, and me; for being there at every stage of my life; for going to my swim meets. i told her that i was going to get married soon; that she didn't have to worry anymore about me being alone; that i was planning on taking cantonese classes so i can talk to her and my grandfather more; that we all love her so much. i apologized for the times i was a bad grandchild as a kid and hoped that i made up for it during high school and college.

lastly, i told her that i've always been terrified of this day since i was a child and that i didn't want to let her go, but if she's happy and at peace, i will no longer be afraid. what's most important is that she's at peace.

i said goodbye to her and left the hospital at 1:30 am. i remember checking her heart monitor and noticing that her heart rate had dipped slightly. i remember hoping that didn't mean anything.

while we were about halfway home, i received a call from the RN. about 15 minutes after i left, my grandmother passed peacefully at 1:47 am. my girlfriend suddenly burst into tears and said, "she was waiting for you."